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I have a 5 year old son that is completely out of control. He will find
markers and write all over our hardwood floors, and he is always hitting
his older sisters and using bad language. Then he just runs off laughing
like he thinks that it is funny. He will not listen to me at all. What can I do?
ANSWER— provided by Jim Haley, Ph.D., LP, NCC
Your son sounds like his behavior can be overwhelming, and it's good that you
are planning to address this now rather than later. Some of these behaviors
occur more commonly in younger children during their "terrible twos", and can be
effectively addressed by clear, firm consequences and consistency. It may be
important to begin by speculating about the purpose of his behavior: is he
seeking attention? just trying to have fun? is he angry at or "getting even" with
his sisters?
A good place to start looking is at the expectations you set and how consistently
you enforce limits. Do you clearly explain when and where he can color? Is he
required to ask permission before getting his crayons or markers? How closely
do you monitor his behavior and compliance? When he breaks the rules, what
happens? Do you give warnings? How often do you "let it slide" versus administer
a consequence? Is the consequence a deterrent, or only a nuisance? Does it
have meaning for the child? Keep in mind that you are trying to teach your child
to connect cause and effect: "If I do ____, then ____ will happen."
Many parents struggle to set and enforce limits because they are afraid of "going
too far" and causing resentment in their child that persists indefinitely. Others
focus so much on consequences that they have difficulty balancing limit-setting
and teaching with nurturing and caring. A major challenge of parenting is finding
a good balance between these extremes. It may be helpful to attend courses
such as "Love and Logic" or "Common Sense Parenting", in order to get new
ideas or plan a response. You may also prefer to work 1:1 with a professional
counselor to bolster strengths and remediate weaknesses in your current
parenting skills.
markers and write all over our hardwood floors, and he is always hitting
his older sisters and using bad language. Then he just runs off laughing
like he thinks that it is funny. He will not listen to me at all. What can I do?
ANSWER— provided by Jim Haley, Ph.D., LP, NCC
Your son sounds like his behavior can be overwhelming, and it's good that you
are planning to address this now rather than later. Some of these behaviors
occur more commonly in younger children during their "terrible twos", and can be
effectively addressed by clear, firm consequences and consistency. It may be
important to begin by speculating about the purpose of his behavior: is he
seeking attention? just trying to have fun? is he angry at or "getting even" with
his sisters?
A good place to start looking is at the expectations you set and how consistently
you enforce limits. Do you clearly explain when and where he can color? Is he
required to ask permission before getting his crayons or markers? How closely
do you monitor his behavior and compliance? When he breaks the rules, what
happens? Do you give warnings? How often do you "let it slide" versus administer
a consequence? Is the consequence a deterrent, or only a nuisance? Does it
have meaning for the child? Keep in mind that you are trying to teach your child
to connect cause and effect: "If I do ____, then ____ will happen."
Many parents struggle to set and enforce limits because they are afraid of "going
too far" and causing resentment in their child that persists indefinitely. Others
focus so much on consequences that they have difficulty balancing limit-setting
and teaching with nurturing and caring. A major challenge of parenting is finding
a good balance between these extremes. It may be helpful to attend courses
such as "Love and Logic" or "Common Sense Parenting", in order to get new
ideas or plan a response. You may also prefer to work 1:1 with a professional
counselor to bolster strengths and remediate weaknesses in your current
parenting skills.
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