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My husband and I are going through a divorce. How can we make things
easier for the children?
ANSWER-- provided by Amy Hyken-Lande, LSCSW, LCSW
to your children. In other words, you are both parents and a divorce will not
change that fact. Make sure your children know (and are told) that the divorce is
NOT their fault. Continue to co-parent and put your children's needs first.
2. Keep the love alive-- Again, this pertains to your kiddos. Show them love and
attention, spend 1-1 time with them. Continue traditions/or start new ones. Try to
keep their daily routines as consistent as possible.
3. Let them be kids...and eat cake sometimes. When your child sees you
sad/mad, they may feel the need to take care of you. Although it is okay to show
emotions (not an emotional break-down), it is not their job to make you happy.
Also, cut them some slack while they are adjusting to the divorce (which may also
mean a new house, new school, new friends...).
4. Keep adult conversations between the adults. Little ears are always listening,
even if you think they are in the other room. Court, child support, money, who did
what to whom....not their problem, and should NOT be part of your conversations
with them.
5. Your children don’t work for the post office or the CIA: Don’t ask your children
to be a messenger for you. It is not their job to “tell Mommy/tell Daddy’ whatever it
is that you are wanting them to pass along. Also, don’t interrogate them about
what is going on in the other parent's home.
6. Don't bash your ex! I can not stress how important this rule is to your child's
development and how they will handle the divorce. You will only succeed in
building resentment and anger by doing so. Basically, you are telling your child
that the person who they have loved/who raised them/their own blood is a "bad"
person, which can lead the child to believe that they also harbor those negative
qualities. If you must "bash"....find a friend, write in a journal or better yet, seek
out the help of a professional. All you are doing is hurting your child!
*Please remember, it is not "Divorce" itself that hurts children (although certainly
it is a very difficult time in their lives), as much as it is "how it is handled" that
helps to predict successful adjustment.
*Disclaimer: Families who have experienced abuse/neglect follow a different set
of rules.
easier for the children?
ANSWER-- provided by Amy Hyken-Lande, LSCSW, LCSW
- "THE RULES" (FOR PARENTS WHO ARE DIVORCED)
or, " Six ways to make it easier on your children"
to your children. In other words, you are both parents and a divorce will not
change that fact. Make sure your children know (and are told) that the divorce is
NOT their fault. Continue to co-parent and put your children's needs first.
2. Keep the love alive-- Again, this pertains to your kiddos. Show them love and
attention, spend 1-1 time with them. Continue traditions/or start new ones. Try to
keep their daily routines as consistent as possible.
3. Let them be kids...and eat cake sometimes. When your child sees you
sad/mad, they may feel the need to take care of you. Although it is okay to show
emotions (not an emotional break-down), it is not their job to make you happy.
Also, cut them some slack while they are adjusting to the divorce (which may also
mean a new house, new school, new friends...).
4. Keep adult conversations between the adults. Little ears are always listening,
even if you think they are in the other room. Court, child support, money, who did
what to whom....not their problem, and should NOT be part of your conversations
with them.
5. Your children don’t work for the post office or the CIA: Don’t ask your children
to be a messenger for you. It is not their job to “tell Mommy/tell Daddy’ whatever it
is that you are wanting them to pass along. Also, don’t interrogate them about
what is going on in the other parent's home.
6. Don't bash your ex! I can not stress how important this rule is to your child's
development and how they will handle the divorce. You will only succeed in
building resentment and anger by doing so. Basically, you are telling your child
that the person who they have loved/who raised them/their own blood is a "bad"
person, which can lead the child to believe that they also harbor those negative
qualities. If you must "bash"....find a friend, write in a journal or better yet, seek
out the help of a professional. All you are doing is hurting your child!
*Please remember, it is not "Divorce" itself that hurts children (although certainly
it is a very difficult time in their lives), as much as it is "how it is handled" that
helps to predict successful adjustment.
*Disclaimer: Families who have experienced abuse/neglect follow a different set
of rules.
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Parenting Questions & Answers - Divorce
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